may 6th

one vs one hundred. is it better to go through life having tons of meaningless flings, relationship after relationship? or is it better to save your heart, and yourself, for those few times you actually fall hard for something real, and honest?

does your heart wear down after a certain number of relationships? do you start to change who you are, how you act, and what you expect out of other people?

i’ve just been thinking about all of this lately, and looking around at the people i know. i think people who date tons of different people in their lives become unattached, and almost value those people and experiences a little less. And people who wait and stick it out for what they believe to be real, true, honest relationships come away with more of a sense of self, and seem to value their experiences and their partner or ex partner more.

Personally, I don’t want to be the person that is in a mindset of “on to the next one”. I want all of my experiences to have value, to be real, and i think that people who jump from relationship to relationship, or fling to fling.. lose that.

sad. this sucks. you weren’t supposed to be so awesome. and im not supposed to be this sad. fuck geography. i never saw you coming but it killed to watch you leave.

hits me now. it may not be anything. it was never anything but unhealthy. but now there’s this inevitable countdown to the end… where i’ll be left to deal. and even though this time i have time to prepare.. i can’t figure it out.. is it okay to be sad? angry? unaffected? confused as fuck? just got to take this and run.

“ I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward. David Livingstone

trainwreck. just paid my firsteverwellearnedMEGAflippinspeedingticket. tomorrow i gotta pay my doublethepleasureparkingticket. goodbyeeeee paycheck. i look back at where i was… and why i was doing all those things and i think i’ve gotten to the point where i just have to laugh at the fact that my life is such a trainwreck. this so isn’t me. but i’ll go with it. just me.. nothing matters anymore. fly off the handle til september.

reading this is depressing, and makes me realize how deeply unhappy i was. probably the worst weeks. maybe it's taken me weird places, maybe it's made me harder overall, and maybe i've become a huge bitch. at least i'm learning to take no shit.
anyways.. i use tumblr for the most part so idk how much i'll update this one anymore. so check that!
- vanessa.

  > december thirty-first o9;

dear new years eve, fuck you. i'd give anything for it to not be today.
- vanessa.

  > december twenty-first o9;

this week makes me feel like i'm not even legit. i don't even know what's up anymore. i'm sick of everything.
- vanessa.

  > december fourteenth o9;

this site is going to probably be online when i'm eighty-five, and html doesn't even exist anymore. that's how long this is taking me. epic fail. someone needs to lock me in a room til its done. but not my room. that's the other thing i'll never finish. lesson i learned this week? if hoarding were a sport i'd go pro. minus the fact that i was overly ambitious and dumped EVERYTHING out in the open. my bad. maybe i should finish things i start. meh.
- vanessa.